I am 17 weeks into this miraculous pregnancy and I have to say, my emotions are all over the place. It’s hard to explain, really, because unless you have gone through what I’ve gone through to get here, it likely doesn’t make sense. For example, I am getting all kinds of questions and statements these days and most of them overwhelm me and make my head spin. Let me get real with you for a second…
Do you have names picked out? My response: Oh, no, not really. There are some cute girl names I like but I really haven’t given it a lot of thought. In my head response: No, because naming the child would make it real and I am so fearful of this not being real, I can’t even go down the path of picking out names.
Wow, you aren’t even showing yet. My response: Oh, if you saw me naked, I am! In my head response: Oh my gosh, they are right. I am not showing. Which means the baby probably isn’t growing which means I will probably miscarry again.
How do you feel? My response: I feel pretty good. Sure glad the first trimester is over. Wow, that nausea was horrendous! In my head response: I am anxious, fearful and probably will be for the next 20 years.
Have you started thinking about what you will do for your nursery? My response: actually, not at all if you can believe it! In my head response: Oh my gosh, I have so much to do and I want to enjoy this and we don’t have a house and I hope our stuff is safe in storage and holy crap I am pregnant.
What’s happening in my head seems absurd, right? I know. But, it’s the truth. It’s really hard for me to fully embrace and accept what is happening in my belly. And guess where that leads? Being sad and feeling guilty. Being sad that this could be my only pregnancy and I am not enjoying it and embracing it.
And if I could get real again with some of the more common pregnancy issues and fears us women face. Oh, where do I begin?
My body changing and getting “fat.”
Never sleeping again. For the record, I am sleeping in as often as I can from now until November 6. Judge away.
My marriage changing. What if Rick loves the baby more than me?! Let’s just say if it’s a girl, I am in a deep trouble 😉
Traveling less. Ugh. This one is super hard for me. And so what I do here is look at all my friends and family who have not let having kids stop them from traveling. For example, Rick’s sister and brother-in-law. They have three kids and take them everywhere. Fiji? Sure, why not, it’s only a 24 hour plane ride. I am so taking my kid to Fiji.
Being a working mom. And still having a life. And still having time to work out. And blog. And spend time with Rick.
Just to name a few…
But. There is redemption to some of the craziness happening in my head. First, there have been moments of joy. And that is happening more frequently. For example, my team surprised me and gave me the cutest gift that ever existed with a heartfelt card. My head was spinning when I saw they got me a gift and then instantly, my heart was filled with joy and excitement that I am having a baby and already, it’s so loved.
Or our anatomy ultrasound last week that prior to, I wanted to cry, vomit and scream with anticipation and fear. And hearing words like “perfect, cute, right where it needs to be…” from the technician was absolutely incredible and a total miracle.
Or the fact that this pregnancy is making me trust God like I never have before. It’s so hard. SOOOO hard. But, it’s the way it should be.
Or when Rick talks about the baby. Or wants to take care of me and ensures I am eating and not hungry (ahem, if you know me and know how much I love food, this is sort of hilarious).
And actually, all the questions and talking about it really does help me. Because if my friends weren’t asking me questions about my nursery or how I am going to buy out all of J Crew kids, that would just be odd.
Each day, each moment, God is helping me to let my guard down and experience joy. He’s giving me the ability to embrace this pregnancy, this baby. And it’s slow. But, it’s steady. And I am hopeful for all that is to come.
So that’s where I am, right now. Tomorrow may be different. And yes, I am up and down. Up and down. Up and down. But, I am counting it all joy and taking it one day at a time!