Whoa. I am sitting on an airplane bordering panic attack (which I have never had in my life), throwing up and falling asleep. Normal.
Coming off of a weekend where thousands of women united with eyes wide open to see what God will do and ultimately, what we will do for God, I am super uncomfortable. Because over the last 3 days and 2 nights, God has asked me to do something. Something that is going to seem relatively easy to most of you, but extremely hard for me.
He has asked me to fast.
Not from food (though that’s what I was secretly hoping).
But from social media.
And he’s asked me to get up every morning before Zoey wakes up and write.
For 35 days, precisely.
And it’s no coincidence that 35 days from this day is my 35th birthday. People, I can’t make this stuff up.
God calls people to go to scary, violent places in the world. They go.
God calls people to quit their jobs. They quit.
God calls people to fast from food. They fast.
God calls people to end relationships. They end them.
God calls people to adopt children. They adopt.
God calls people to leave their church job to join the secular world. They join.
God calls people to crazy, incredible places and spaces. And those who listen and follow Him get to be a part of something remarkable. Something they never intended for their life. And because they listened to God, they experienced His plan, His will and often, the fruits and blessings that blossom on the other side.
So being asked to fast from social media and get up 45 minutes earlier than my sweet newborn seems easy compared to the aforementioned, theoretical asks from God. It seems almost childish, trivial. Almost like an ask that is too small from God.
But people. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious and it’s big and weird. I don’t want to do it. I keep trying to tell myself that the calling He put on my heart is actually something I made up and that it’s not from Him and therefore, I really don’t need to do it. But, I know it’s not from me because if it were my fast, it would be a food fast with a selfish ulterior motive to lose weight. Go ahead and laugh. It’s the truth. And I also know it’s not from me because getting up before Zoey? Writing? About what? Yeah, exactly.
A fast from social media?
Do you realize that on February 16 I start a new job where my role is, more or less, director of social media? Ummmm. Yeah, so there’s that.
Do you realize, God, that I have a blog that millions of readers (okay, hundreds…what’s the difference anyways?) want to receive in their Facebook newsfeed from my Facebook newsfeed?
God, don’t you realize that I am fully addicted to social media which by definition means I can’t live without it? Oh, yeah. And there’s that, too.
And wake up before Zoey? You are crazy! I get like 5 hours of sleep on average and you want me to cut into that to spend time with you and write? Seriously, God, I think you have lost your mind.
I am kicking and screaming here. I don’t want to do this. But the words I keep hearing are “you don’t want to miss what I have for you.” And it also brings me to a point that was made this weekend at the If Gathering by Jennie Allen. Summarized, she talked about the day when we meet face-to-face with God and when we will see ALL the opportunities and plans He had for us and how sad it will be if we didn’t pursue those because we didn’t listen to Him. Because we weren’t brave.
I am not exactly sure why I have so much anxiety on this but one thing I do know is this: I am 1,000% fearful that I am going to do this and at the end of 35 days, on my 35th birthday, God will have said nothing and nothing will have changed. Or conversely, that God will ask me to do something even bigger than fasting from social media for 35 days. Or that He will reveal something about me that I don’t want to be revealed.
How awesome is my faith after coming off of a faith-filled women’s Christian conference?!
So. I am fearful. Already tired from the sleep I will lose. Annoyed that I won’t be able to maintain my addiction to beautiful images on Instagram.
Yep, this is my response to a seemingly easy call from God. But underneath the fear and anxiety and questioning God is a woman who heard hundreds, if not thousands of words from women leaders this past weekend at the If Gathering. Words that mattered, that changed me, that scared me and that made me closer to God. And words that distinctly said to be strong and courageous.
And so my leap of faith is this fast and morning writing thingy (because what else is it called?!). It’s my small, but obedient way of being strong and courageous. Here goes…